The following is not written chronological order. This is becoming an interesting pattern in both writing and painting. Sure, this is in fact expected in both forms of artistry when it comes to natural editing. However, this was not done with these aims in mind. Alas, life is not linear and you will find, time loops in and around. And in this one paragraph, my opposition of thought, the seesaw or a pendulum we intervene with, is constantly finding its balance. Grab a cup of tea. This is long and sometimes tedious to read.

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RESUME

First of all, I’d like to say, fuck the change. Yes it’s welcomed, we always ‘welcome’ the change. There’s no other way around it and life would be fuller, grey. Anyhow, she’s arrived and made her home. We of course, and the bubbles we plant ourselves in are the reason for our next destination. Even be it when we feel we are at our stillest, there are consequences to all action and as the world shifts its bodily components, you will be moved to, involuntarily.

What does this mean for the now? Well, life is different. With every morning I’m graced with another waking feeling of intense eager, ‘the candle has been lit too early’, kind of energy. All while I find myself in some of reality’s new maze. I’ve managed to gain some tunnel vision on the next step forward, rather than step side to side. This is progress so let’s resume.

I think my bias on a few things have been alleviated. And maybe bias was once there to serve as a part of our character. Born from when we’re younger and influenced by our mothers, fathers, ancestors, and all their generational blessings. And now, this new world, maybe my bias formed a part of ego playing on desire upon desire. I was always proud of keeping up with my hedonistic talents. The phrase I’d often exhale, I’ll never harm another, but for my own curiosity of experience, I’d tie myself to the cliff I’ve invited myself to leap off.

My world view has somewhat altered or deepened, and yes, this was because, as the aforementioned, my own actions bought me to this space. Although we say, those whom he only invites those whom he wishes, and life so it seems we’re still put in the driving seat. I feel I’m at an 85% completed level of change. Maybe this tunnel vision is good, and maybe I’ve learnt to read my own pace before accounting for others. Not to say I wouldn’t want my pace to be matched to another’s, but pace and your own dominance are now Queen. Each counterpart of ours counteracts their other. Think of this as a seesaw lessening its pivot with each new rotation, reaching equilibrium.

There’s trusting and then ‘trusting’. When you’re born as an eager human, time will not move fast enough. Today, we are not existential, and it’s good to differentiate between the 2 disciplines. The first starts with a sure headstrong motive to get started. While the later is somewhat on par with gut wrenching instinct, knowing all is not as it appears. 85% complete change. Which, I feel is a good allowance to let this seesaw adjust according to the wind and whomever else is invited to intervene in this change.

Regular Stitch, 2023. 420 X 540mm. Acrylic, gesso and charcoal on paper. Available for purchase.

MOVING A MOUNTAIN

Do I want to move mountains? Of course I do, I would willing run to the cause and start 5 seconds earlier than assumed. However, consider the steps. Why’s and how’s and really, could your heart knowingly continue without it? Them, a moment, an over seas experience, a different bed, some different speech, hot nights in warmer climates, some peace, the hand graze and held gaze. Oh my romantic heart be still for a second and this need not be anything romantic but all life in me somehow, is born to be just this.

I remember watching a film ‘The English Man Who Went Up A Hill and Came Down a Mountain’. The main protagonist rallied a community, and they routed for him. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and in some instances are we forever children of this reality and throughout all stages of our lives. For some of us live multiple lives. We get to relearn and enjoy the person, people we once knew all over again. How many others help us build ourselves, our mountains, and wow this is quite the tedious metaphor, mountains. And I’m almost laughing at myself for writing it. But there’s a point to this. We move ourselves for the reasons which are dear to us, or be it, for those whom add to our purpose. Because we see ourselves in them or them in an everyday we wish for and this life is now sweeter with them or that thing, being, pet, daily routine, whatever we place our love in, it. Maybe I’m reaching for some explanation which is unexplainable to any other. When all is said and done and when dawn has approached, it’s ourselves who decides the where, when and why. I am not a child who is born to sit still and wait for the horizon to become clear during a night sky. Alas, sabr.

SPLITTING OF REALTIES

When things are in a less than ideal state, the soul can stretch to two pathways. The first being to retreat, to hide away and the second would be to venture into the madness. A different kind of retreat where all survival instincts take control and you tell yourself you must endure.

The alternative is something which does not fit. You place your money with your mouth is and extend your paws in hopes. Yes, hopes. In absolute hope the soul will not be broken down as you’ve been asked to stay optimistic in each phase of this very human reality. They say when when the ego dies it’s death and all you’re left is the trust of God and their universe. Everything as you once knew it has dissipated, changed, been taken away, broken down, diminished and traded in. This is the part where our fellow mere mortals say, this is your moment. So I’m here to take it and I am running up a bill. Therefore, it feels 85% complete is wise. We need the remaining 15% to play.

Recent prose written in the last month:

MY SOUL WALKS IN STEPS OF THREE

Do I have this in me, to become a complete circle, and not in an instance where, the snake continues to eats her own tail.

The line to my circle waves to the beginning and wonders a little further the green field we’re been growing every time we say hello.

And every time she waves, we’ve planted a few new flowers and her favourite roses of all colours.

Some summers we’ve been through drought and others flooded the fields with stormier weathers.

Summer always appears and July sets for another year of bloom. We haven’t seen many snakes for some time, and only when we feared for what we saw may be something else, we saw a mirror in the sky.

Reminiscent of previous Julys. Where do I tie the circle with silk. Maybe at the 87th year.

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ON DEATH P3

The thought which really wrecks the brain is the understanding the worlds and their creator owe you nothing but to bring benefit to your walking realm. This benefit stretched across two worlds, all of the one you stand in feeds into the other. If it is better for you, the moment can stay stiff as it is, for a matter of decades, where you may move sideways, all in all trusting the wave will hit you and bring you to a shore, eventually as promised twice. Or, everything can increase within a second with no prior warning. Once you grasp the boundless nature of the creator, the possibilities, logic and time seem to slip away and any meaning to previous desire, be it even good, is questioned on repeat. The consciousness speaks all there is, is here and now.

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ON DEATH P1

So much of eastern philosophy and spiritualism I find correlates to Islam - because essentially everything comes from the same source. People awaken, go through a dark night, they question everything, pursue spiritual practices, find which work for them, release all control (tawaakul), and then enter a thing called ‘ego death’. Where they realise their ego is but a tool, and the ego which used to be their identity doesn’t necessarily fade, but turns into something else. The identity under the surface approaches. And some say they loose all identity when this happens. But really you have to face to who you are under that ego mask, that rising sign, and point to what the soul truly desires. Where is the soul’s peace and that’s where you find your purpose. We’re all still people, and we all work in some kind of way and everyone has a grounding point. Some element which still commits to their humanness. An inner anchor. There’s still desire even without ego, maybe a truer, more raw, pure desire. The finer questions on who you once were, did you go as far as you could have?

Maybe this is the true point of our nafs. The ego is still present and maybe this is how we connect with it in a new way. A more aware, anchor. It’s not a bad thing. May we all realise, there’s good in all humans past the point of pride and hurt. It is not our responsibility to overlook and implement any soul onto us to our detriment. But only to go through this life as a traveler. Move with goodness and leave when it’s our time.

A PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY: 85%

‘UNMUTED’ members event for interrupted art.

STUDIO PORTRAITS BY BORJA MARTING