A PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY: THE LAST 10 NIGHTS.
A few thoughts from last night. That being the 20th night of Ramadan. We have entered the last 10 days of the month, the most blessed of the whole year. I’ve been writing throughout this holy time and some personal mechanics have been highlighted. From life coming full circle with a few connections to reminders of things I wanted and how I have grown from these spaces. All parts of writing have been different, but this which I’m about to share feels like a good moment that covers some ground. It is becoming more evident how much my faith coexists within my identity as an artist and the everyday.
The following text includes Islamic terminology and Quranic Arabic.
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And exhale. Say ameen and alhamdulillah, subhanallah, laillaha illallah. I never thought about finding balance once I’d taken further steps towards the deen (faith). I thought this was the balance as it is meant to be. That life would always feel like this relentless push towards the ‘end’ - in faith anyway. In some ways it still is. Although it is worth noting the thought ‘humans are created with desire, and we are not meant to be nuns or monks’ often resurfaces to bring me back to solid ground. That and the importance to enjoy the moment, the growth, the becoming of who you are, and really feel each moment for the lessons it brings you.
FOR THE TWILIGHT
Before the last third of the night
Before dawn breaks
Before we’re rushed into another day
All I would ask
Most irresponsibly
Hopelessly
Like my irresponsible
Inner most selfish joy
Is that you consider
Hurrying up the pace of time
Just for me you see
You’ve bought me to my knees
Take me to those moments
The ones you’ve written
Where my destination
Kisses sweeter
Than the grit which sits
In gaps between my teeth
And you would tell me a few things
Bestow* some ancient wisdom
Encompassing all rhyme
And of all eternal reason
We’re in the moment of joy
Where you rush this feeling
You rush the meaning
Where nectar misses your lips
And the making of ripe fruit
Taste so much sweeter
Be it even
When you’re in your winter
Written January 2023.
2 years ago my gift during Ramadan was to be reminded muslimas come in all shapes and sizes with our own personal effects. I went from feeling somewhat isolated by the prospect I wasn’t good enough a Muslim or presented Muslim ‘enough’ to my more Muslim peers. I was deeply aware of my personal joyful hedonistic errands, most of which I had made peace with - temporarily anyway. This judgement didn’t end with me though and is a wider lesson I’ve faced on letting other’s views wash straight off my skin.
I started seeing women who came with their own tastes. Some of whom I saw more of myself in. They were DJs, cooks, TV personalities, helping their mothers and grandmothers cooking iftar, sharing their personal practices, showcasing and celebrating their heritage. All while looking a little less traditional to what a few sneaking aunties from communities I’ve grown alongside in, sanctioning what was ‘Muslim enough’. Some of these muslimas whom I can today I can call friends, and I will forever be thankful to have crossed paths with.
And that, gave me the confidence to continue, and embrace a joyful aspect of faith rather than the hell and damnation I was so used to acquiring. Or even really, start and continue to commit. It is a fib that Islam is preserved for the pious, or that we have to have to be perfect before we even start nurturing that connection.
Today, 2 years on, when the time came for me to go a step beyond, there was this feeling of having to give up a few strings to who I am. With all death of the self, comes mourning and reevaluation of who we once were. Faith may be the foundation of my personal architecture. This runs through my work, my physical movement, and my purpose in how I conduct this life.
The Mourning, 2022. 80 x 80cm. Acrylic and charcoal on canvas.
I’ve revisited each note of love
In poetry I’ve written into the stars
Through my heart to the self
Write to her softly, be kind
And let her cry, all the joy
I was never quite gentle enough
With the self for a while
And I made her cry a little too much
Warm baths filled to the brim
Sleep sound, brave child
Through this increase in personal faith, today on the 20th day of Ramadan, I am reminded of the importance of accepting such balance in my life again. Such as includes enjoying self a little more again. I think back to those women who I saw and befriended 2 years ago and remind myself, to wear that crop top and sweats while making Iftar. Give yourself some comfort in spaces made just for you, take pride in your appearance, and stand up straight. Listen to that piano playing and make time for some ease. The path to faith is long. She isn’t turning you away and isn’t going anywhere soon.